The World We Loved, Forever Gone
by hopeletgo
Summary: I could see the moment it happened. The moment when my brother changed from High King Peter of Narnia and became the boy, Peter Pevensie. Please read and review. More info inside.


Edmund see the moment it happened

**Title:** The World We Love, Forever Gone

**Fandom:** Chronicles of Narnia

**Characters:** Peter and Edmund Pevensie. Non-slash

**Rating:** PG/K+

**Word Count:** 2,357

**Beta:** Pash (princessnarnia)

**Disclaimer:** Yep, they're mine. All mine. You can't have them. Okay, okay, I don't own them. They belong C.S. Lewis and Disney. A girl can dream, can't she?

**Spoiler Warning: **Slight spoilers for the movie, Prince Caspian. Nothing huge. It is set during the movie, that's really about it.

**Notes:** Set after the battle at Aslan's How but before Caspian's coronation. During the duel scene, there's this piece of dialogue.

Peter: What do think happens back home if you die here?

Edmund just looks at him.

Peter continues with some more lines and then sets his shoulder and says.

Edmund: Save it for later.

This is my version of "later."

* * *

I could see the moment it happened.

The moment when my brother changed from High King Peter of Narnia and became the boy, Peter Pevensie.

The transformation wasn't obvious to most, but I had spent many years watching my brother and to me, the change was as clear as if Peter had told me himself.

During our reign, I rarely saw my brother shed his kingly persona, which was necessary when ruling a country. People had expectations for their king and weakness wasn't one of them. However, on some rare occasion when Peter felt he was completely alone or more often when he was too exhausted to care, the High King would step out of his position and become simply Peter.

At this particular moment, I couldn't decide if Peter's transformation was by choice or sheer exhaustion. I wouldn't be surprised if it wasn't a little of both.

Peter had fought hard for his beloved country and I knew my brother wouldn't have it any other way. Fatigue was a small price to pay for a battle won and a free Narnia. Fatigue meant accomplishment and sacrifice. Both of which were of importance to Peter.

Yes, I knew what today's battle had meant to my brother. Today allowed Peter to finally redeem what he had thought he'd lost during his time away from Narnia. The very same thing he had been searching for in all the fights in England. Today's battle had restored a sense of worth in Peter and I understood the significance behind the fact.

Peter had told me once that he never felt more like himself than when he was High King of Narnia.

The center of Peter's problem lay within that feeling alone. Because in Finchley, there was obviously no need for a High King and Peter, as he so often did, twisted the fact until he'd convinced himself there was no need for a Peter.

It had taken months for my siblings and I to convince Peter that he was needed, as our big brother. Although Peter had finally accepted his place in England, I stillsaw the inner turmoil Peter had so desperately tried to hide.

* * *

The key to understanding Peter was fairly simple. So simple, most others failed to see. To see the real Peter, you only had to look into his eyes. Peter may have been able to fool others with every other part of his being but his eyes would never lie.

Sure, Peter tried to hide his real feelings and most believed him at his word, but my siblings and I knew Peter almost as well as Peter did and could see all that Peter tried to hide in one look into those blue eyes.

I had been watching Peter closely most of the night. Normally , I wouldn't watch Peter this close, but considering what we had been through, what _Peter_ had been through, careful observation was necessary.

Peter, however, was not making my study any easier. He insisted on acting noble and polite and perfectly kingly for the entire evening. There had been no hidden glances, no quiet, weary sighs. Not even a fleeting look into the distance. No, Peter smiled warmly at everyone he spoke to and no matter how hard I searched, I could not find even a hint of insincerity in his actions.

I knew better, though. I knew, _I_ _knew_ there was something my brother was hiding. Whatever the something was, I realized it must be fairly significant because not even I could decipher the look in Peter's eyes.

* * *

Ah, it looked like Peter was finally saying his goodbyes for the night. With one last hand wave, Peter headed to the tent we would be sharing for the night. I followed silently, not quite prepared to make my presence known.

It seemed, however, I had underestimated my brother's sharp sense of hearing.

"Is there something I can help you with, Ed?"

I stared at my brother, a bit shocked.

"Don't look so surprised. You've been watching me all evening. I was wondering when you would find the courage to ask whatever it is you feel the need to know."

I closed my mouth and looked at him, confused.

"Did you really think I hadn't noticed? I've been your brother for a long time. I have the distinct pleasure of knowing how your brain works."

_Hazard of the job,_ I thought

"Though I'd really hoped you hadn't, it seems my observation skills have suffered a bit since our last adventure in Narnia." I replied dryly.

Peter smiled. "Well, come on then, I suppose we're going to have to do this sooner or later. And I don't know about you, but I'd prefer sooner, seeing as today was quite exhausting."

I studied my brother's smile for a moment. There was something slightly disturbing in the way it didn't quite reach his eyes and the way it hung oddly on his face, like it didn't really belong. . It almost seemed cold…no… cold wasn't the right word.

A chill ran through my body as the realization struck me.

Peter's smile wasn't cold. No, his smile was empty, _false_, wrong. Peter's smiles radiated warmth, sincerity and hope. This smile didn't fit any of those characteristics. However, this smile had a familiarity about it that I couldn't quite pinpoint.

After a few minutes, recognition dawned on me. I had seen this smile before in a very different time with a very different Peter.

We all knew what returning to England had done to Peter, but I was the only one who had seen the true damage it caused.

While we each had had a difficult time adjusting to our old lives as children, eventually life without Narnia became easier to handle. That is, it was easier for Lucy, Susan and I. Peter on the other hand continued to struggle. It seemed the longer we were away from Narnia, the more depressed Peter became.

The cold, hard world relentlessly beat him down, chipping away piece after piece of what remained of Peter the Magnificent. Peter had tried to act as he knew a High King would but the longer we were away, the harder it became and eventually Peter grew tired of fighting against it. The harsh reality of England had clawed and ripped at every ounce of nobility Peter had tried to retain until all that was left was a sad, broken boy.

However, in typical Peter fashion, he allowed no one to see the devastating effects of losing Narnia… of losing his identity.

Sure, each of us had, in some way, lost who we were, but for Peter, the loss seemed deeper and much more painful.

I'm not sure why it affected him in such a way; only that it did.

Peter is a strong individual, but he is still human. He feels pain and grief just as we do, maybe even more so because he cares so much.

In a sense, Susan, Lucy and I had taken Peter's strength and love for granted. He was always an unfailing support; a constant rock we could rely on through any storm. It was Peter Lucy went to when all the other girls teased her because she liked to talk to the animals (even though they couldn't talk back). It was to Peter whom Susan complained about all the boys who simply wouldn't leave her alone. Finally, it was Peter I looked to for understanding when our father returned home and I wasn't quite sure how to react.

Yes, Peter had been there through every stumble, every fall, every harsh twist of the path. We had all inadvertently and sometimes advertently placed our burdens on Peter's shoulders

And just like rocks will crumble if too much pressure is forced upon them so did Peter crumble under the burdens of the world and our pain.

Peter fell apart…_silently_.

I only knew of Peter's suffering because of what Peter allowed me to see…which was very little and not the least bit voluntary. It was through my own observations that I acquired this knowledge rather than Peter's own doing.

That was the only reason I could fully comprehend what exactly I was seeing at the moment.

The Peter I saw then was eerily similar to the Peter I was seeing now.

And that scared me more than I cared to admit.

The Peter of the past was dark, depressed, and hopeless and a Peter without hope was truly disconcerting.

He didn't lose hope easily and the loss only occurred if the feeling had been viciously forced out of him, most often by an overwhelming blow that he couldn't recover from

But it didn't make sense for Peter to be hopeless here.

Not in Narnia.

There was _always_ hope in Narnia.

Something was seriously wrong.

"Peter?", I asked once we were inside the tent.

"Yes, Ed?" Peter answered whilst removing his belt.

I knew I had to tread lightly or he would never give me an honest answer.

"Are you okay?"

Peter turned and looked at me. I saw panic flash in his eyes before defenses as solid as Aslan's army were erected.

"Of course I am, why do ask?"

Obviously this was going to be harder than I had thought.

"Don't think too hard there, Ed. You might pull something."

There was that smile again.

However, when I failed to answer, the smile vanished and concern flooded Peter's features.

"Are _you_ okay?" and I heard Peter's voice waver slightly.

I took a deep breath.

"No, I'm not."

Peter's hands immediately began to search my body for injuries. I doubted he would find anything of a serious nature. Thankfully, the battle had only left me with the usual post-battle bruises and scratches.

"And neither are you." I said in little more than a whisper, just loud enough for Peter to hear.

Peter's hands stilled but I felt his body continue to thrum with tension.

"I told you, Ed, I'm fine." Peter answered coolly but I heard him fight to keep his voice steady.

"Your hands are shaking." I replied, doubt coloring my tone.

And suddenly his previous search was forgotten as he sat down and put his head in his hands.

"I almost died today." His answer was slightly muffled but the words rang clearly through my head.

I wasn't sure of what to say to Peter's confession but I knew he needed some type of reassurance that I was listening,…that I cared.

"But you're still here, Peter. You didn't die."

Then he looked at me with those piercing blue eyes. No longer were they cold and empty but shining with emotion.

"Yeah, I know but what if I had? I mean there were so many times I could've…."

"And what if I had? Or Susan? Or Lucy? Peter, you can't beat yourself over the 'what-ifs' The fact of the matter is not what could have happened but what ultimately did. We're alive, Peter, nothing else matters."

And then I realized something.

Nearly dying wasn't the real problem here.

Peter had been in numerous battles, in many of which death was a definite possibility. Peter would not give a second thought about death if it meant protecting his family. Peter wasn't afraid to die; no whatever was bothering Peter was something entirely different.

Having been lost in my own thoughts, I hadn't noticed that Peter had yet to respond.

"What's wrong, Peter?" I asked, seriously.

"What's wrong? What's…I just told you what's wrong, Ed."

I shook my head.

"You knew even before you walked onto that battlefield you could be killed. Battles are dangerous affairs; you know that! We all know that! You never would have walked out into that battle if it worried you this much. So I'm going to ask again, Peter, what's wrong?"

I hadn't meant to sound so harsh, but Peter hadn't left many options open. He would most likely continue with his clever combination of lies and silence. Peter had purposefully treaded the line between honesty and dishonesty. Being just honest only enough to keep me away from the truth.

The fact that Peter had lied to conceal the real issue didn't surprise me for Peter was very good at hiding his feelings. I was only surprised I had believed him. No matter how well Peter hid his problems from those around him, I could almost always see through his carefully crafted façade.

I then heard him sigh, not in anger, not in annoyance, but in frustration and maybe with a hint of disappointment?

"It's not what I'd thought it would be."

I winced at how utterly defeated and well…sad he sounded.

"Wait, what's not like you…"

He raised his head and the look I had seen earlier was nothing compared to the one I was seeing now.

I saw Peter… not the High King of Narnia….not even average Peter Pevensie…just _Peter_.

In that moment, his statement became clear.

It was _Narnia_ he was talking about…. The home he had longed for a year to return…. A comfort he could rely on, whatever the circumstance…The place where he was needed and appreciated…A hope for true happiness…

But for whatever reason, it hadn't been those things for Peter.

Narnia had disappointed Peter. I realized painfully how much this reality must be tearing Peter apart. To have such conflicting feelings about the one place he loved dearly couldn't be easy.

I knew I should have something more to say but truthfully the only words I could think of to say were:

"I'm sorry, Peter."

And I was sorry. Truly, deeply sorry that he felt the way he did because Peter had needed Narnia to be more and it simply wasn't.

I put my arm gently around his shoulders. He smiled, sadly but it was genuine.

After a few moments, I felt his head lean against my shoulder and if I felt my tunic grow damp. I wouldn't mention it.

I couldn't fix his problems.

I couldn't be what Narnia hadn't.

_But I could be his brother. _

And for now, that would have to be enough.

A/N: Please Review. I would love to hear you thoughts. :D


End file.
